A Petition to Be Delivered Before the United States Congress
In the interest of the prosperity and flourishing of our great country, we, the Bombmaker’s Guild of America, have come to you with a proposal. Every country wishes to see itself be as wealthy as possible. Higher levels of economic development mean higher standards of living for the population, which in turn yields benefits to every area of life. No matter the interests and desires that one has in life, economic growth benefits all.
However, this growth is not free or easy to achieve. Investments must be made, savings must be accumulated, and businesses for created in order to generate wealth. This all requires pain and sacrifice, both of time and material, in order to accomplish. Rome was not built in a day, and the Roman economy even less so. While the benefits of economic growth are undeniable, the process to achieving them is slow and tedious — or at least, the conventional wisdom goes.
It is in the interests of a new path to prosperity that the Bombmakers Guild has created this petition. We are here to bring good news! There is a much faster way to achieve economic growth than the traditional means of capital accumulation. No longer will we have to toil away to improve our lives, but can live in permanent luxury!
The secret to these unseen riches can be found in war. This may seem concerning at first, but I assure you that our proposal is both sound and backed by modern science. It has long been known to the professional and educated economists that war, while perhaps leading to the unfortunate loss of life, is very good for the economy. It stimulates production, creates jobs, and boosts demand. All of this is very good for business and creates an economic boom.
The academics have known this for some time. However, they did not carry these findings to their logical conclusion. They were unable to see what is plainly obvious now to us. Our proposal is simple: in order to achieve the greatest possible economic growth, Congress should declare war upon our own nation!
This may sound like pure lunacy, but our proposal is but a simple extension of the logic of war and economics. Some explanation is necessary here: this “war” that we would declare upon ourselves is not war in the common sense of the word. We will be humane in our conduct and avoid death altogether. We are not savages, and have no desire to kill or hurt anyone. Our aim is to avoid the downsides of war, leaving us with only the economic upside that it brings. It is for this purpose alone that we must fight, specifically, against ourselves.
The method in which this war will be conducted will be as follows: targets are chosen at random in cities all over the country. These targets may be homes, restaurants, businesses, etc. The occupants are then notified that their building has been chosen as a target for a strike, and must vacate the premises immediately. After they have left and the building is empty, a group of soldiers will arrive at the building and throw as many bombs into the building as necessary to sufficiently destroy it. Strikes such as these will be carried out in every city in the nation, several times a day. These randomized strikes will continue as necessary into the future, until we reach such a status of wealth that we feel as if they are no longer necessary.
What benefit could such a program have? Well, from what the wise and sagacious economists know about the usefulness of war, the boons of such a program will be numerous. First, the economy will receive a boost through the constant production of munitions and supplies to carry out the bombings upon the civilian population. This will help to raise employment and create jobs. In addition to this benefit, the constant destruction of property in the economy will help to bolster overall demand. Jobs will also be created in the military as well, as there will be a need for soldiers to bomb buildings, as well as others to help coordinate and plan out the attacks.
All of this will create the environment necessary for a strong economy, and resultingly raise everyone’s standard of living. Increased wealth means that we can afford to create more bombs and destroy more property, which will in turn make us wealthier. This will then allow us to create more bombs and destroy more buildings, and so on and so forth. If only we follow this plan, we will be able to bomb ourselves into an economic cornucopia! No longer will we have to save and invest our hard-earned salaries, but can enjoy all the comforts of life through the benevolence and power of the bomb! The hardships and struggles of the past will be gone, if only we can blow up enough buildings to get us there.
Now, I am sure that there will be those among the readers who still find this proposal to be grotesque and barbaric. This sentiment is perhaps understandable, but is founded on unscientific and irrational motives. If conducting war against others is good for the economy, then it follows that conducting a war upon ourselves will also have great benefit to the economy. The logic of such a measure is indisputable and plain to all reasonable persons. As we stated above, we have no intention of killing anyone with these strikes. Instead, we wish merely to destroy their property with bombs for economic reasons. As unfortunate as it may be for those who suffer loss because of the bombs, they will ultimately be better off in the long-run because of the economic windfalls that war brings. Their sacrifice today will lead to a better tomorrow for all of us. The bombs should not be seen as a menace, but rather, our ticket to a paradise of wealth and splendor!
The long-standing problem of war is that the benefits it brings to the economy are also paired with death, carnage, and destruction — unfortunate by-products indeed. This makes examining the positives of conflict an awkward and difficult task. However, once we remove the death that comes with war and conduct it in an orderly and civilized manner upon ourselves, the negative elements of war are gone! We have removed its sting and only its blessings remain!
It is in light of the above demonstration of the soundness and veracity of our proposal that we petition the United States Congress to do what must be done for the good of the people: to pass a bill declaring war on itself! Such an act is certainly unprecedented, but the wealth that we will reap from this program will be equally unprecedented. We must go to war — against ourselves!
Welcome the war with open arms! Let the bombs fly!
Sincerely, The Bombmaker’s Guild of America
