-And now a special televised press conference from the state department on the current state of the economy-
Ok well, thank you everyone for being here today for this special press briefing. As I’m sure you are all aware, the GDP figures have been released and there have been plenty of chatter about them over the last few days. I just want to let everyone know that we have been looking carefully at them as well, and are taking them very seriously. We are also aware that this is the second consecutive negative quarter of GDP growth, which traditionally equates to the onset of a recession. However, I want to be clear that while this administration is concerned about the direction of the economy, we do not believe that we are in a recession at this time. We simply don’t see it that way, and we aren’t seeing it in the other areas of the economy that remain strong. We certainly concede that a recession is a possibility in the near future, but it is not imminently approaching. Alright, I’ll take a few questions now…
-And several months later, a broadcast much like the one before-
Well, hello again everybody. It’s nice to see you all, thank you once again for being here for this special briefing. I want to be clear up front that we are keeping a very close eye on the rapidly deteriorating economic situation. We recognize that the stock market has taken a modest 13,000-point dip, houses are almost worthless relative to prices their buyers paid for them, and unemployment has quintupled, but we at the administration do not yet think that this is yet the “economic catastrophe” that some figures in the media are claiming it to be. Certainly, this situation has not been ideal, but we are confident that the worst is behind us. Even so, we know that times could be better. Trust me, we are feeling the pain here on capitol hill as well. A lot of folks up here have really great records trading on the stock market. I wonder why that is…Anyway, that’s all gone now. We are going to have to live off of our modest six-figure incomes and great benefits just like normal hard-working Americans. We put our legs into our tailor-made pants one at a time just like everyone else.
Regardless, we empathize with the pain of the American people. Again, we aren’t seeing the necessary qualifications to label this as any kind of “economic disaster” or some such rhetoric, but we understand that people right now are hurting. We will continue to be transparent in these times, and I look forward to speaking to you and all the American people again.
-A few difficult months pass, and yet another press conference-
Alright folks, thanks for your time here today. I just want to assure everyone that we have been keeping a very close eye on the concerning food shortages that have gripped the nation in recent weeks after the collapse of the nation’s economy. From the data that we have been gathering from grocery stores, food providers, and farmers, it looks like food is currently available at about half of the quantities needed to adequately feed the country. We recognize that this situation is tough. Despite this, we just aren’t seeing the data to label this as a “famine”. While we understand that food shortages are a difficult reality to face, this is just not the time for such strong rhetoric. All of this is just politics as usual, and some unsavory actors taking advantage of a sub-optimal situation.
Even so, we here at the administration think that there is a good chance this turns out to be a net positive in the end. Let’s face it: the American people have been needing to lose some weight. We could all stand to lose a few pounds, right? Bread might be difficult to find for a while, so this seems like a pretty good time to try keto for a few weeks. Intermittent fasting might also be a good option as well. Now it certainly isn’t going to fun, but we are confident that there is some real good that might come from this.
In any case, we are watching and listening to the American people. We understand the hardships you are facing, but we are confident that brighter days are ahead and that we will emerge from this crisis as a nation stronger than ever…
-After several months, and many missed meals, yet another press conference-
Well, hello once again everyone. I know these past few months have been rough for everyone. However, we want to assure everyone that we have been paying very close attention to the rapidly developing situation in the sky. As I’m sure you all are aware, in the past several days NASA scientists have located an asteroid the size of Texas headed towards Earth. The estimated time of impact is in exactly 6 days, 13 hours, and 35 minutes. There has been quite a bit of panic over this event, but we here at the administration don’t think it is enough to warrant calling this “impending doom” or anything of the sort. After all, it is perfectly possible that the asteroid just lands harmlessly in the ocean, or perhaps is just hits an island in the middle of nowhere.
Now, as with any asteroid impact, there is always the chance that it hits a major city and causes the deaths of millions of people. However, we here at the administration are trying our best to look on the bright side. Let’s be honest, some of these cities could use a good restart. Detroit has seen better days, and if an asteroid wiped it off the face of the Earth, it would give us room to build back from the ground up. Plus, the impact area could serve as a good tourist attraction, which would serve to boost the local economy. Bottom line, we don’t think that this isn’t a chance that this might turn out being a net positive overall. In any case, everyone should stay calm for the time being and we’ll see what happens.
-After a massive asteroid impact, millions dead, massive swings in Earth’s climate, and humanity forced to hide amongst the ruins of whatever shelter they could find, a radio broadcast for the public comes on the air-
Hello everybody! Hope everyone listening is doing okay in your homes weathering this little storm we have going on here. Now I know that the things have been rough since the-day-that-shall-not-be-named, but I can assure you that things can only go up from here! We all know that that things could be a lot better right now, but we think that it is far too early to declare this as being an “apocalypse” or the “end of history” or anything similarly extreme. Sure, the environment is now much colder than it previously was due to debris in the atmosphere, but climate change was a real problem beforehand. Summers aren’t as hot anymore, so we have that to look forward to. Crops are near impossible to grow now, but we were already used to not eating as much recently. In any case, we’ll all have a lot of great stories to tell our grandchildren, right? The struggle and grit of trying to survive — they love that kind of stuff! Anyway, everyone just stay safe for now and things will start looking up any day now. We here at the administration are strong believers that whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and we will emerge from this crises stronger than ever.
-There were no more radio broadcasts or press conferences or anything at all. We couldn’t hear the news or what was happening, but whatever it was couldn’t have been that bad, right?-
